An empty soul

A heavy heart is all too good
At preventing you do all you should
Plant seeds of doubt in a fertile mind
And desperation you will find

An empty soul has no face
but to the heart it can displace
What is left of this empty pit>
The answer I know not of it

and so I sit yet I'm not sound
No part of me is on the ground
Praying things will work their course
Without the pain of real remorse.

The formula is something brief:
You've loved, you've lost, it ends in grief.

Wise words

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

2009 thoughts

And so we're here - a new year, new beginnings and all the rest of that crap.
To be honest the pub I was in when the year ticked over didn't even bother to announce it and I think that's a concerning indicator of things to come. As a round of countdown's went round the pub I started 2009 a little confused about whether or not it had actually begun and I hope that this doesn't carry on.

I've pinned a lot on this year - the hopes of getting a new job, in order to stop the worry of how I"m going to pay my rent, it's also meant to be the year where I escape to South America in favour of culture and adventure - obviously I need the job and the rent to happen first. Ideally I'd like to just ditch England, cut my losses, grab my rucksack and emigrate somewhere else. This has become more than a daydream for me and I find myself increasingly spending more time researching visa policies of paradise than I do searching for jobs.

I've lovingly suggested to the man that we should subsitute stress for sunshine and instead run a bar on a beach somewhere where rum is as compulsory as water. His response is a grunt and a raised eyebrow which has made me realise that if I want this to happen I've got to do it alone.

I'm not scared of running off on big adventures on my own I"ve done it before and loved it, but I am reluctant this time because we had promised each other that from now on we explore things together. This is going to prove quite difficult for a man whose heart pledges it's allegiance to Blighty. I"ve offered a compromise, I'll compromise my happy ever after for just one year, that's 52 short weeks, a measly 365 days. He's still not biting so I think I'm going to have to leave him.
It's tragic, four years with someone who you imagined you'd be with forever only to realise that you're on a different page. I'm a bitter sod as well and every second I'm stuck in the UK busting my arse to be considered for an interview as a shoe-shit-scraper I hate the fact I'm here.

I think the saddest thing is we don't talk about it, we both know what's coming but there's this invisible gag which is only taken off when we're drunk and the emotions come flooding out. It's a weird situation, I'm waiting to hear what I expect him to say, "ok we'll do a year as long we come back" or "I'll move anywhere in the world as long as we're together" (Ok wishful thinking). But sadly nothing. No acknowledgment, no emotion, nothing.

It's a horrible decision to make but when it comes to giving up on my dreams or giving up on a relationship, I have to go with my happy ever after.

Happy new year? Will have to wait and see...