too late

I've fucked up. I've made a massive mistake. And I know I'm too late...

It's all over now. Baby blue.

Five years. I feel like my heart's been ripped out and my world's upside down. I thought I was being sensible. We want different things, our lives are completely incompatible in terms of hopes and dreams so I thought I'd take the ripping off the plaster approach in an attempt to let both our hearts heal. Unfortunately all that's happened is I'm left with a rather nasty scar that just won't heal. I know it's only been a month and as people keep telling me things will "get easier" eventually but I can't see that at the moment, all I can see is that I've lost the love of my life. I miss him. More than anything in the world.

Don't get me wrong I love my life here, I love my home, my job, my town and my friends but I just can't get over the fact that without him my life is not the same. I've lost my soul. He's my best friend and my lover and I feel empty and dull, like there's a big shadow over my whole life. I still don't know how we can ever get over the fact we want different things but I know my life will never be the same again unless I"m by his side.

The thing which hurts me the most is the fact that he's just accepted it. No fight. No attempts to hang on, just cold, quiet acceptance. It hurts like hell. He said to me he'd fight for our relationship but at the end of the day it's just words. I really thought that he'd come through and show me that I'm being an idiot. I think I needed him to, I needed the affirmation that despite our different dreams eventually everything would be ok....I was wrong....

How can you spend five years with someone sharing with them your bed, your innermost thoughts and your dreams and desires and yet totally misunderstand them? Maybe this is the right decision. How can I dream of forever with someone who can accept it's all over in less than a week?

At the end of the day, all we have in life is passion, whether it be for what we want or who we want, it seems to me that to ask for both is just simply too much....

An empty soul

A heavy heart is all too good
At preventing you do all you should
Plant seeds of doubt in a fertile mind
And desperation you will find

An empty soul has no face
but to the heart it can displace
What is left of this empty pit>
The answer I know not of it

and so I sit yet I'm not sound
No part of me is on the ground
Praying things will work their course
Without the pain of real remorse.

The formula is something brief:
You've loved, you've lost, it ends in grief.

Wise words

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

2009 thoughts

And so we're here - a new year, new beginnings and all the rest of that crap.
To be honest the pub I was in when the year ticked over didn't even bother to announce it and I think that's a concerning indicator of things to come. As a round of countdown's went round the pub I started 2009 a little confused about whether or not it had actually begun and I hope that this doesn't carry on.

I've pinned a lot on this year - the hopes of getting a new job, in order to stop the worry of how I"m going to pay my rent, it's also meant to be the year where I escape to South America in favour of culture and adventure - obviously I need the job and the rent to happen first. Ideally I'd like to just ditch England, cut my losses, grab my rucksack and emigrate somewhere else. This has become more than a daydream for me and I find myself increasingly spending more time researching visa policies of paradise than I do searching for jobs.

I've lovingly suggested to the man that we should subsitute stress for sunshine and instead run a bar on a beach somewhere where rum is as compulsory as water. His response is a grunt and a raised eyebrow which has made me realise that if I want this to happen I've got to do it alone.

I'm not scared of running off on big adventures on my own I"ve done it before and loved it, but I am reluctant this time because we had promised each other that from now on we explore things together. This is going to prove quite difficult for a man whose heart pledges it's allegiance to Blighty. I"ve offered a compromise, I'll compromise my happy ever after for just one year, that's 52 short weeks, a measly 365 days. He's still not biting so I think I'm going to have to leave him.
It's tragic, four years with someone who you imagined you'd be with forever only to realise that you're on a different page. I'm a bitter sod as well and every second I'm stuck in the UK busting my arse to be considered for an interview as a shoe-shit-scraper I hate the fact I'm here.

I think the saddest thing is we don't talk about it, we both know what's coming but there's this invisible gag which is only taken off when we're drunk and the emotions come flooding out. It's a weird situation, I'm waiting to hear what I expect him to say, "ok we'll do a year as long we come back" or "I'll move anywhere in the world as long as we're together" (Ok wishful thinking). But sadly nothing. No acknowledgment, no emotion, nothing.

It's a horrible decision to make but when it comes to giving up on my dreams or giving up on a relationship, I have to go with my happy ever after.

Happy new year? Will have to wait and see...

Pushing you away

I amaze myself sometimes. When things are bad I have a brilliant ability of making them that little bit worse. Take my relationship. I've got a brilliant boyfriend who is supporting me 100% both financially and emotionally as I lie about in my pajamas watching bad tv and wallowing in self pity. I'm a lucky girl. Not enough it seems, I've become fanatically obsessed with ideals of Romance and wishing that he would sweep me off my feet in some loud and garish romantic gesture. The truth is I think I embarass him slightly. I think my greed for need is getting too much for him to handle. I need constant reaffirmation of his love for me.

Thing is i've always been like this, I honestly think that a normal relationship is full of love letters, romantic weekends away, huge declarations of love and the knowledge that you are the centre of their universe. I think the last point is the one I really care about, I"m an egomaniac, I want to think that life without me would not be worth living. (This probably comes as no shock seeing as I have started writing detailed accounts of my life in a public space - you can't get much vainer than that) I know it's selfish but I don't care. It's like widowers who are told by their friends to move on with their life and start dating, "he/she would have wanted you to be happy". I wouldn't. I want my husband to mourn me with graveside vigils. Again I know it's selfish. But surely love is the one thing that we all want.

I've always been a dreamer, I think that's why I like reading books, there's always a happy ending. Someone always conceeds to ensure that the protagonist completes his mission, gets the girl, lives happily ever after. I see my life as the search for the happy ever after and I know what I want, a simple life, workinfg hard on an island in the sun. Everyone says it's a dream but it's not it's easy, you make the choice and you do it. There's absolutely nothing stopping me. Apart from the boyfriend. I'm quite happy to move my entire life on a whim and if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. No biggy. But that's the fantasist again.

Isn't love enough?

Boredom and Meaning

So today is the second day of the third week of unemployment since the wankers of the TV company decided it wasn't working out. Having knocked my arrogance somewhat I've now resigned myself to lie-ins, My Super Sweet 16 and pressing refresh on the pitiful employment sites that promise to rectify my biggest problem: how to pay my rent.

But things, as usual are never easy so being in a credit crunch there is literally no work. Nada. Not even a crappy temp job in a starched shirt lifeless office. It's absolutely outrageous! I have a degree, 10 GCSES, 4 A-levels, 5 years of industry experience and I speak three languages and what do I get aside from student loan debt? Not even a shit data entry job. It's so inane it's almost poetic.

I have however, perfected the art of being a couch potato, so much show that I'm convinced I'm developing DVT or will end up like the fat people you see on Jerry Springer, covered in bed sores and wrapped in a bed sheet, having burst their clothes at the seams and become encrusted on the sofa. eurghhh it's happening I swear, slowly but surely Im growing.

Today's saga was trying to figure out which pervert has been sending me sexually explicit and downright disgusting text messages as well as 3am booty calls. At first I thought it was a prank from a stranger but the texts named me which weirded me out. Anyway after the kind of sleuth work that would have Columbo choking on his cigar, with his eyes wide open for once, (see, daytime telly is teaching me a plethora of useful life skills) I discovered it was my ex boyfriend's old and lechy friend. This isn't an 18 year old kid, it's a man in his forties. What would have been funny to a spotty, pubescent teenager, comes across as tragically pathetic when a man in his forties has to amuse himself by texting filth to a girl who is literally old enough to be his daughter. Sick fucker.

After that drama my day quietened down, with my only worries (apart from the huge no job no money saga) being how to find a new housemate, what to do if no new housemate was found, where to disappear for a cheap week in the sun, how to justify being able to afford a cheap week in the sun when rent's going to be an act of god.

Boyfriend's snoring is irritating me. You don't see this in love stories, bed time is always a romantically peaceful affair where the beautifully perfect couple fall asleep in each others arms. In my relationship our backs are turned as soon as possible to avoid dead arm syndrome. The only contact we have whilst we sleep is the loving sharp kick to the shins we inflict on each other to put an end to the snoring. Ahhhh domestic bliss...