2009 thoughts

And so we're here - a new year, new beginnings and all the rest of that crap.
To be honest the pub I was in when the year ticked over didn't even bother to announce it and I think that's a concerning indicator of things to come. As a round of countdown's went round the pub I started 2009 a little confused about whether or not it had actually begun and I hope that this doesn't carry on.

I've pinned a lot on this year - the hopes of getting a new job, in order to stop the worry of how I"m going to pay my rent, it's also meant to be the year where I escape to South America in favour of culture and adventure - obviously I need the job and the rent to happen first. Ideally I'd like to just ditch England, cut my losses, grab my rucksack and emigrate somewhere else. This has become more than a daydream for me and I find myself increasingly spending more time researching visa policies of paradise than I do searching for jobs.

I've lovingly suggested to the man that we should subsitute stress for sunshine and instead run a bar on a beach somewhere where rum is as compulsory as water. His response is a grunt and a raised eyebrow which has made me realise that if I want this to happen I've got to do it alone.

I'm not scared of running off on big adventures on my own I"ve done it before and loved it, but I am reluctant this time because we had promised each other that from now on we explore things together. This is going to prove quite difficult for a man whose heart pledges it's allegiance to Blighty. I"ve offered a compromise, I'll compromise my happy ever after for just one year, that's 52 short weeks, a measly 365 days. He's still not biting so I think I'm going to have to leave him.
It's tragic, four years with someone who you imagined you'd be with forever only to realise that you're on a different page. I'm a bitter sod as well and every second I'm stuck in the UK busting my arse to be considered for an interview as a shoe-shit-scraper I hate the fact I'm here.

I think the saddest thing is we don't talk about it, we both know what's coming but there's this invisible gag which is only taken off when we're drunk and the emotions come flooding out. It's a weird situation, I'm waiting to hear what I expect him to say, "ok we'll do a year as long we come back" or "I'll move anywhere in the world as long as we're together" (Ok wishful thinking). But sadly nothing. No acknowledgment, no emotion, nothing.

It's a horrible decision to make but when it comes to giving up on my dreams or giving up on a relationship, I have to go with my happy ever after.

Happy new year? Will have to wait and see...