Pushing you away

I amaze myself sometimes. When things are bad I have a brilliant ability of making them that little bit worse. Take my relationship. I've got a brilliant boyfriend who is supporting me 100% both financially and emotionally as I lie about in my pajamas watching bad tv and wallowing in self pity. I'm a lucky girl. Not enough it seems, I've become fanatically obsessed with ideals of Romance and wishing that he would sweep me off my feet in some loud and garish romantic gesture. The truth is I think I embarass him slightly. I think my greed for need is getting too much for him to handle. I need constant reaffirmation of his love for me.

Thing is i've always been like this, I honestly think that a normal relationship is full of love letters, romantic weekends away, huge declarations of love and the knowledge that you are the centre of their universe. I think the last point is the one I really care about, I"m an egomaniac, I want to think that life without me would not be worth living. (This probably comes as no shock seeing as I have started writing detailed accounts of my life in a public space - you can't get much vainer than that) I know it's selfish but I don't care. It's like widowers who are told by their friends to move on with their life and start dating, "he/she would have wanted you to be happy". I wouldn't. I want my husband to mourn me with graveside vigils. Again I know it's selfish. But surely love is the one thing that we all want.

I've always been a dreamer, I think that's why I like reading books, there's always a happy ending. Someone always conceeds to ensure that the protagonist completes his mission, gets the girl, lives happily ever after. I see my life as the search for the happy ever after and I know what I want, a simple life, workinfg hard on an island in the sun. Everyone says it's a dream but it's not it's easy, you make the choice and you do it. There's absolutely nothing stopping me. Apart from the boyfriend. I'm quite happy to move my entire life on a whim and if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. No biggy. But that's the fantasist again.

Isn't love enough?